Monday, December 7, 2009

BEWARE: Wrapping Paper Drownings!

After the holidays -- if you're one to partake in all of the mayhem of holidays -- you will want to keep your wits about you. There are dangers, as you well know, when it comes to wrapping paper.

"Paper cuts!" you cry out.

Well, yes, paper cuts, after which you must be very careful about your interaction with both salt and citrus.

But what you may not know is that every year there are countless near-drownings in -- you guessed it -- wrapping paper.

Your family may go knee-deep in wrapping paper by, say, 7 am on Christmas morning -- or, let's say day three of Hanukkah. You may be waist-deep after the aunties have swarmed in. And by evening -- what with do-gooders popping in with unwanted items like fruitcake (and they wrap it like it's a gift! -- you may be in over your head.

Fear not! Here are some holiday tips to avoid wrapping paper drowning.

A. Head to high ground. Sofas! TV stands! Coffee tables.

B. Don't let a younger sibling pull you down. Shake 'em loose and SAVE YOURSELF. Once on a sofa, you can throw them a life line -- dad's new neckties, tree lights, curtain rods.

C. Swim parallel to the shoreline -- also good advice in a riptide.

D. Grab a moving ankle and ride it to safety.

E. Don't leave small children unattended. C'mon, people.

I know, I know. You're going to forget all of these tips because you'll be crazed by gifts. You'll be completely fogged and dazed and, of course, you'll be cradling your favorite gift -- THE EVER BREATH!!! -- in your arms. What I suggest is reading that book -- oh, that brilliant book!!! -- high up some place. Top bunks. Tree forts. Curled like cats on the backs of armchairs.


Fear not!

Baggott & Bode