Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The 12 Days of ... What?


A week or so after I wrote this piece and I finally SAW the latest episode of THE OFFICE, on demand. And, well, there's their riff.
Great minds, etc ...

Okay, people, let's break this down. If your true love is really giving you the stuff in the 12 days of Christmas, your true love might be, well, loony. And by loony, I mean COMPLETELY OFF THE ROCKER!

Day 1
A partridge in a pear tree.
Does this mean that, while you were sleeping, your true love came over to your house and dug a hole and planted a pear tree (which really dies quickly in winter, by the way!) and put a bird in that tree?
Do partridges do well in winter?
Are you waking up to a frozen bird in a frozen tree?

Day 2
2 turtledoves.
Again with the livestock? I hope these, at least, are put in a cage and delivered, all warm and snug, to the house.

Day 3
3 French Hens.
Seriously! What's with the birds?

Day 4
4 Calling birds.
This is ridiculous!

Day 5
5 Golden Rings.
NOW we're talkin'. Okay, so you were about to send your true love to a therapist, but the golden rings? You're thinking -- maybe it's fine. Maybe my true love went through some weird bird phase, but it's done now!

Day Six -- You're wrong.
Six geese a-laying.

Day Seven -- Now you're googling bird-related mental disorders because ... it's seven swans a-swimming. Your house is filled with feathers and eggs and you've had to put in an inflatable kiddie pool for the swans ... and it's winter so it freezes. Lovely.

Day Eight
8 Maids a-milking.
Is that legal? Can you give someone a maid? And if they're a-milking, did we also get eight cows? I live in a two-bedroom apartment with only a flip-out futon for guests.

Day Nine
9 Ladies Dancing
I'm assuming that they're just there for a short period of time dancing, because birds and cows don't smell good when all cooped up in an apartment during the winter.
The futon only comfortably accommodates one lady.

Day Ten
10 Lords a-leaping
Well, I know what they're leaping over. Cow patties and fallen dancers and eggs and birds ... Were those rings worth it?

Day Eleven
11 Pipers Piping
Oh, that's just what we need. Pipers piping. A little noise to go with the squawking birds and the mooing cows and the swans complaining about the kiddie pool fiasco. (Zip it, SWANS!)

The neighbors have now called the cops. There are multiple noise and livestock violations. The maids, dancers, leaping lords, pipers and drummers are all none-too-pleased. They're missing their own holidays, you know, something quiet and normal, little appropriate gifts in little appropriate boxes.

True love, what's wrong with a sweater? How about some light-up reindeer socks?
Everyone loves leg-warmers!