Monday, December 28, 2009

Happy Holi -- And then the Chicken Exploded

What led to the explosion? Well, I'll start with, ahem, me. I was chilly. It's winter. So I linger by the oven. Sometimes I lean on it with my -- ahem -- backside. And this time my aforementioned backside accidentally upped the temp to 550 degrees. The cook, at this point, was taking a shower and when he smelled something burnt, he came running in from the shower in his towel and his hair all shampoo-y. "Something's BURNING!"

"What? Burnt?" I said. "Everything's fine." I was now sitting on the floor, leaning against the oven to keep my back warm. I scooted out of the way so he could check. He saw the temp, the slightly blackened chicken, got water to juice it up again.

The water hits the Pyrex dish. The Pyrex dish explodes. Glass flies through the air. We scream and dodge and duck. The oven is filled with shards -- all trinkle-trinkle sounding then it's all quiet and sizzly. The cook is panting in his towel. Me? I'm a little baffled, but still warm.

The 13 year old boy standing by says, "Asian restaurant, anyone? Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra raaaaa." (Quoting the film ... need I tell you?)

Eventually? There is a Christmas Pizza miracle.

(Little tip: Don't eat chicken with glass in it.)

Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The 12 Days of ... What?


A week or so after I wrote this piece and I finally SAW the latest episode of THE OFFICE, on demand. And, well, there's their riff.
Great minds, etc ...

Okay, people, let's break this down. If your true love is really giving you the stuff in the 12 days of Christmas, your true love might be, well, loony. And by loony, I mean COMPLETELY OFF THE ROCKER!

Day 1
A partridge in a pear tree.
Does this mean that, while you were sleeping, your true love came over to your house and dug a hole and planted a pear tree (which really dies quickly in winter, by the way!) and put a bird in that tree?
Do partridges do well in winter?
Are you waking up to a frozen bird in a frozen tree?

Day 2
2 turtledoves.
Again with the livestock? I hope these, at least, are put in a cage and delivered, all warm and snug, to the house.

Day 3
3 French Hens.
Seriously! What's with the birds?

Day 4
4 Calling birds.
This is ridiculous!

Day 5
5 Golden Rings.
NOW we're talkin'. Okay, so you were about to send your true love to a therapist, but the golden rings? You're thinking -- maybe it's fine. Maybe my true love went through some weird bird phase, but it's done now!

Day Six -- You're wrong.
Six geese a-laying.

Day Seven -- Now you're googling bird-related mental disorders because ... it's seven swans a-swimming. Your house is filled with feathers and eggs and you've had to put in an inflatable kiddie pool for the swans ... and it's winter so it freezes. Lovely.

Day Eight
8 Maids a-milking.
Is that legal? Can you give someone a maid? And if they're a-milking, did we also get eight cows? I live in a two-bedroom apartment with only a flip-out futon for guests.

Day Nine
9 Ladies Dancing
I'm assuming that they're just there for a short period of time dancing, because birds and cows don't smell good when all cooped up in an apartment during the winter.
The futon only comfortably accommodates one lady.

Day Ten
10 Lords a-leaping
Well, I know what they're leaping over. Cow patties and fallen dancers and eggs and birds ... Were those rings worth it?

Day Eleven
11 Pipers Piping
Oh, that's just what we need. Pipers piping. A little noise to go with the squawking birds and the mooing cows and the swans complaining about the kiddie pool fiasco. (Zip it, SWANS!)

The neighbors have now called the cops. There are multiple noise and livestock violations. The maids, dancers, leaping lords, pipers and drummers are all none-too-pleased. They're missing their own holidays, you know, something quiet and normal, little appropriate gifts in little appropriate boxes.

True love, what's wrong with a sweater? How about some light-up reindeer socks?
Everyone loves leg-warmers!

Monday, December 7, 2009

BEWARE: Wrapping Paper Drownings!

After the holidays -- if you're one to partake in all of the mayhem of holidays -- you will want to keep your wits about you. There are dangers, as you well know, when it comes to wrapping paper.

"Paper cuts!" you cry out.

Well, yes, paper cuts, after which you must be very careful about your interaction with both salt and citrus.

But what you may not know is that every year there are countless near-drownings in -- you guessed it -- wrapping paper.

Your family may go knee-deep in wrapping paper by, say, 7 am on Christmas morning -- or, let's say day three of Hanukkah. You may be waist-deep after the aunties have swarmed in. And by evening -- what with do-gooders popping in with unwanted items like fruitcake (and they wrap it like it's a gift! -- you may be in over your head.

Fear not! Here are some holiday tips to avoid wrapping paper drowning.

A. Head to high ground. Sofas! TV stands! Coffee tables.

B. Don't let a younger sibling pull you down. Shake 'em loose and SAVE YOURSELF. Once on a sofa, you can throw them a life line -- dad's new neckties, tree lights, curtain rods.

C. Swim parallel to the shoreline -- also good advice in a riptide.

D. Grab a moving ankle and ride it to safety.

E. Don't leave small children unattended. C'mon, people.

I know, I know. You're going to forget all of these tips because you'll be crazed by gifts. You'll be completely fogged and dazed and, of course, you'll be cradling your favorite gift -- THE EVER BREATH!!! -- in your arms. What I suggest is reading that book -- oh, that brilliant book!!! -- high up some place. Top bunks. Tree forts. Curled like cats on the backs of armchairs.


Fear not!

Baggott & Bode